Catchy. Powerful. (And definitely good advice when it comes to experimenting with illegal substances.)
It would seem common sense that it's also good advice to "just say NO!" when it comes to doing anything that will jeopardize our health and well-being, including over-extending ourselves.
Maybe common sense, but you chronic 'yes' people out there know that it's not always that easy.
I used to be a major 'yes' person, and sometimes I still fall into the trap of over-doing. My motto has seemed to be "Just say YES!" to anything that I think will in some way help someone, allow them to have a better day, or....(blush).....make them like me.
There.
I said it.
I like to be liked.
Not that there is anything inherently wrong with wanting to be accepted by others. It's built into our genetic makeup, in fact. We're social beings. We tend to live in communities. Here at Compeer we especially know that friendship is an extremely powerful and healing force within the human experience.
So, of course, we want to say yes to our friends. We want to be accepted in our community structure of choice, and sometimes that means going above and beyond to help those around us. Sometimes.
Other times, it is very important to be true to ourselves, be aware of our boundaries and recognize our own limits. Saying yes when you need to say no causes burnout. You do yourself and the person making the request a disservice by saying yes all of the time. Worrying too much about others needs, and not enough of our own can even lead to resentment that may show up as depression or anxiety....resentment can cause friendships to end.
We can say no and still be accepted!! Trust me, I do it, and you're still reading, right?
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| See? ; ) |
For tips on just how to do this, (nicely!) I've included a suggested method by Colette Carlson, an expert in communication.
Stop, Look and Listen—then Go
Stop: Instead of rushing to make a decision, simply stop and take a deep breath. Depending on the immediacy of the situation, you may say something like, “Gee, that sounds interesting, let me get back to you,” or “Please give me a minute to gather my thoughts and take a look at my schedule.” (This is also a great parenting tip so you don’t have to go back on your word.) In other words, remove the pressure of feeling like you have to reply immediately.
Look: Take a long, hard look at your current commitments and calendar. If you say your health is the most important thing in your life, have you put your calendar where your mouth is? Put your focus on what you want and schedule it in to make sure it happens. No one is going to give you what you need to get for yourself. When you’re clear on your internal goals and schedule your time to reflect your desires, it’s easier to find the confidence necessary to say no to others in order to say yes to you.
Listen: Listen to and acknowledge your feelings. When you first hear the request, what is your immediate reaction? Are you excited and enthusiastic about the opportunity, or do you wish the person would just magically disappear? Do you truly want to do what is asked, or is it something you think you “should” do? “Shoulds” come loaded with guilt. Guilt is simply anger turned inward because you can’t do what you really want. Honor your true feelings for long-term personal sanity and happiness.
Go: Go on with integrity. Let go of your fears and simply speak your truth. Don’t give excuses – just a simple, “No, I won’t be able to participate, but I hope you have a wonderful time,” or “No, my calendar is full but thank you for thinking of me.” Or in Jill’s case she could say, “Gary, I won’t be able to help. I have just enough time left to finish my own commitments.” Then, zip it. No need to elaborate or apologize. If you still feel guilty, ask yourself a simple question: What is my intent? If your intention in saying no is purely to respect your own priorities and needs, then release all fears and go forward. If anyone gets upset, it’s about them, not about you.
I absolutely love the last line here...."if someone gets upset, it's about them, not about you." This is a concept that can be hard to really understand, especially for those of us who tend to react to others negativity with guilt. Sometimes folks have their very own reasons for becoming upset when we can't fill their needs- reasons that have nothing to do with us.
When we clear our schedule of unnecessary obligations that do not fulfill our own needs, we take away from ourselves the energy and time we could be applying to efforts we enjoy. A life of Wellness is a life of balance, and while we cannot (nor should we) always "just say no,"
........sometimes saying no to someone else means saying YES to you.
-Jen
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