Thursday, February 16, 2012

Just say NO.

Remember the 80's anti-drug media blitz?    "Just say NO!" to drugs.

Catchy. Powerful. (And definitely good advice when it comes to experimenting with illegal substances.)
It would seem common sense that it's also good advice to "just say NO!" when it comes to doing anything that will jeopardize our health and well-being, including over-extending ourselves.

Maybe common sense, but you chronic 'yes' people out there know that it's not always that easy.

I used to be a major 'yes' person, and sometimes I still fall into the trap of over-doing. My motto has seemed to be "Just say YES!" to anything that I think will in some way help someone, allow them to have a better day, or....(blush).....make them like me.
There.
I said it.
I like to be liked.



Not that there is anything inherently wrong with wanting to be accepted by others. It's built into our genetic makeup, in fact. We're social beings. We tend to live in communities. Here at Compeer we especially know that friendship is  an extremely powerful and healing force within the human experience.
So, of course, we want to say yes to our friends.  We want to be accepted in our community structure of choice, and sometimes that means going above and beyond to help those around us. Sometimes.

Other times, it is very important to be true to ourselves, be aware of our boundaries and recognize our own limits. Saying yes when you need to say no causes burnout. You do yourself and the person making the request a disservice by saying yes all of the time. Worrying too much about others needs, and not enough of our own can even lead to resentment that may show up as depression or anxiety....resentment can cause friendships to end. 

We can say no and still be accepted!! Trust me, I do it, and you're still reading, right?




See?    ; )















For tips on just how to do this, (nicely!) I've included a suggested method by Colette Carlson, an expert in communication.

Stop, Look and Listen—then Go

Stop: Instead of rushing to make a decision, simply stop and take a deep breath. Depending on the immediacy of the situation, you may say something like, “Gee, that sounds interesting, let me get back to you,” or “Please give me a minute to gather my thoughts and take a look at my schedule.” (This is also a great parenting tip so you don’t have to go back on your word.) In other words, remove the pressure of feeling like you have to reply immediately.
Look: Take a long, hard look at your current commitments and calendar. If you say your health is the most important thing in your life, have you put your calendar where your mouth is? Put your focus on what you want and schedule it in to make sure it happens. No one is going to give you what you need to get for yourself. When you’re clear on your internal goals and schedule your time to reflect your desires, it’s easier to find the confidence necessary to say no to others in order to say yes to you.
Listen: Listen to and acknowledge your feelings. When you first hear the request, what is your immediate reaction? Are you excited and enthusiastic about the opportunity, or do you wish the person would just magically disappear? Do you truly want to do what is asked, or is it something you think you “should” do? “Shoulds” come loaded with guilt. Guilt is simply anger turned inward because you can’t do what you really want. Honor your true feelings for long-term personal sanity and happiness.
Go: Go on with integrity. Let go of your fears and simply speak your truth. Don’t give excuses – just a simple, “No, I won’t be able to participate, but I hope you have a wonderful time,” or “No, my calendar is full but thank you for thinking of me.” Or in Jill’s case she could say, “Gary, I won’t be able to help. I have just enough time left to finish my own commitments.” Then, zip it. No need to elaborate or apologize. If you still feel guilty, ask yourself a simple question: What is my intent? If your intention in saying no is purely to respect your own priorities and needs, then release all fears and go forward. If anyone gets upset, it’s about them, not about you.
I absolutely love the last line here...."if someone gets upset, it's about them, not about you." This is a concept that can be hard to really understand, especially for those of us who tend to react to others negativity with guilt. Sometimes folks have their very own reasons for becoming upset when we can't fill their needs- reasons that have nothing to do with us. 
When we clear our schedule of unnecessary obligations that do not fulfill our own needs, we take away from ourselves the energy and time we could be applying to efforts we enjoy. A life of Wellness is a life of balance, and  while we cannot (nor should we) always "just say no," 

........sometimes saying no to someone else means saying YES to you. 

-Jen 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Compoetry.......

Last night was our first Compeer Poetry Night......and this morning, I am still feeling inspired by the sharing we experienced.

I was a little nervous getting ready for this group- I wondered if people would come, and if they would be willing to share their personal writing.... I wondered if everyone would have a good time.....

                                       I couldn't have been more pleased with the evening!


We had a nice spread of good food to choose from,  (our Senior Program Director, Sarah, had some fun at Wegmans!) and the room felt warm and accepting as we all chatted and ate. I got to meet some new people, and was excited to see some faces that have become very dear to me......that happens a lot at Compeer.  I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow, I might just have the best job in the world-- I get to be surrounded by friends."

We began the night by learning a little about reading poetry-- it's not as simple as you might think. (and not as hard as I thought!) We started with this interesting poem about-- what else?? Reading poems!!

HOW TO EAT A POEM by Eve Merriam

Don't be polite.
Bite in.
Pick it up with your fingers 
and lick the juice that may run down your chin. 
It is ready and ripe now, whenever you are. 
You do not need a knife or fork or spoon or plate or napkin or table cloth. 
For there is no core or stem or rind or pit or skin to throw away. 


We talked a little about what we think the author of this poem was trying to say:

Poetry is for everyone. There is no wrong way to read or write it. There are no 'bad' parts....poetry just is. It is ready and waiting for us, like a friend, and if we accept a poem for all that it may bring, we can enjoy it endlessly.

We also learned about how to read and interpret poetry--- that it is important to read and speak slowly, in order to soak up the message, and better understand subtle meanings within the words. It is especially helpful to look for imagery within a poem-- what does the author want us to see....smell...taste?

Ashley shared a great poem full of imagery about a beautiful day spent with a lost love. (I'm hoping to add it here- with her permission, so check back!!)

Many of our friends took a risk, and read us their own poems.....we shared about the anxiety we can get just waiting for a call from someone special.....about the changes that the internet has brought to our lives.....the upsides and downsides of having that cigarette break....we interpreted some favorite song lyrics....and more.




I can honestly say, I can't remember a time when I have seen a group of people who have not met before become so open with such personal thoughts--so quickly. It was such a gift to be a part of this awesome group!


In the spirit of friendship, I'll end this post with a poem from Patty about her friend Carol.....thanks to all who participated last night, and I look forward to having more of our Compeer friends join us for our next reading!!



I prayed for a mentor, 
And then God sent her.

She has been faithful, 
For that I'm grateful.

She has fed me, 
Both physically and mentally.

I thank God for her. 

My dear friend is near…..
….My Compeer. 

Patty and Carol

I'm not sure about you.....
But I am REALLY looking forward to doing this again!!!

-Jennifer